A guttural voice muttered
from the shadows that engulf me,
reeking of danger and death.
I am blind. The impenetrable
blackness consumes the light
around me. I suffocate.
The words from the darkness are
inaudible, yet somehow are more
frightening and true for that.
I need to wake up. I try to move
a leaden arm to my slumbering
guardian. I am frozen.
A face begins to reveal itself,
emerging from its gloomy cocoon,
a death moth to burrow into my skin.
I breathe as hard as I can, hoping to
wake my sleeping brain. I cannot
escape from my poison sleep.
The darkness evaporates and light
permeates my retinas, burning them.
I am awake. I am safe.
I thought that this time would be different
That you would at least pretend to care
And you’d see what you were doing was terrible
But I guess I was wrong
I remember it like it was yesterday
That day that CPS came to get us
You were crying
Saying how much you were afraid
Afraid to lose us, your children
We left with the lady that came for us
I looked out the back window
As we drove away
I saw you standing there, alone
I felt sorry for you
We arrived at the little blue house
With the white picket fence
My phone vibrated in my pocket: my mother
“Lie” she said on the other line
“Please just lie”, pleading now
I agreed, remembering your tears
I passed on the message to my brothers
“Just lie, okay?”
They agreed as Mom knew they would
As you knew they would
The room where I was questioned was cold
Two chairs, a table, a whiteboard, a clock
“Do you know the difference
Between the truth and a lie?”
The questioner looked at me with penetrating eyes
I nodded, and the questioning began
They came hard and fast
Like hail on a dark night
“Has he ever abused you?”
“Has he ever abused your brothers?”
“Does he drink?”
“Does he yell at you?”
I shook my head, over and over
It almost seemed too easy to lie
I didn’t think I’d ever regret it
I guess I thought that you’d change
Somehow, you made me believe
That you would be the father I’d wished for
Every night before I fell asleep
When you first kissed
Me I had this crazy
Thought that you tasted
Like dust and I was
Comforted because that’s
How I imagine my
Books that have kept
Me sane taste.
The shadows in my eyes are
Screaming that I need you so much
Closer than your current state of
Kilometers away and
Thinking nothing of it
And I’m thinking how you don’t know
My favorite color or
What love means to me or
How much I fucking need you
With me in this bed
Kissing me until I bruise purple under you
I found this in the notes section of my phone, written in the wee hours of the morning. Enjoy.
My greatest sin has always been lust.
I’ve never had enough of anything to be a glutton.
I’ve never been jealous of the lives that others lead because I have a plan of my own.
I’ve never been stationary for long enough to be likened to a sloth.
I’ve never been proud. Not of myself, not of my life, not of my beginnings.
I’ve never been greedy, taking only what I need to get by.
I’ve never been overtaken with anger for longer than a day, finding myself altogether too prone to forgive.
My greatest sin is lust. I want to be wanted by a man. I want him to back me into a wall and taste me. I want him to be gentle sometimes and tease me in all the right, devilish ways, and other times, I want him to ravage me. I want to feel my muscles ache deliciously in the morning, reminding me that, just for a moment, I was the only thing he wanted
Eyes closed but I am watching you,
looking to see if you’re in there, surviving
the flames that scorch my skin and rip
open my inked veins.
Vanilla mint corpuscles brush your
own, tingling and tasting with a tongue too
afraid to speak the words barred behind
bones and teeth.
But now, see how bold my tongue has become?
See how it dances across your skin?
See how it draws speech from your lungs and
forces you to breathe?
Ah, see now how bold your tongue has become,
if only to match mine? I am ruthless and
I am fearless with a fuck you attitude but
I need to feel you under my skin.
Then there is you and your fervor and
your dissolution and your
words cresting the gold and green waves
crashing down on us both.
You don’t sing anymore, your eyes said to me,
spattering me with the golds and greens
that you would never make out, just like
the reflections of streetlights on raindrops.
Your mouth whispered to me,
You are so beautiful, and
my heart bled crookedly with the
luminous faces of the stars overhead.
Your chest murmured to me, please,
thrumming the word with every perennial
pulse of your chest organ and I
couldn’t help but kiss you.
My teeth are cemented together but the breeze slides through them like a man’s fingers through his lover’s hair, begging to know her as only long-distance lovers can. The wind traces a cool finger across my skin, kissing my jumping jugular with lips that are thousands of miles away, creating in me a longing that I hadn’t known existed. Iron-clad vibrations drifting in from four sides only remind me of airplanes, and of all the places I want to go, and then of you. You as you pull me in so tightly that my breath runs and hides, chasing itself down railroad tracks that somehow pass for a spine. You as you laugh with me (such a free sound, like a song I had once known by heart but had quite forgotten until now), our backs to the frozen ground and our faces open to the sky. You: so unlike anything I have encountered in my trek through decades, yet familiar as a childhood memory glimmering behind my consciousness. It has always been the deep blue oceans that held me in place as time lapped at my shores, corroding me into someone else entirely. Who would have thought, or even guessed, that the patterns we create so independently and so full of self-purpose and preservation, were never quite so independent at all?